Day 1 - Scalped
As soon as the wheels touched down on the tarmac the Bold Yin got us off to a flying start by almost starting a fight on the plane then got lost in the airport and nearly missed the bus to the hotel. On the bus Aitken was getting "scalped" like you wouldn't believe, to the point where he didn't even want to open his mouth! It was harsh, but also fair enough as his choice of clothing sometimes borders on the ridiculous. Anyway we went and had a pint in The Shittest Bar in Benidorm (not a figure of speech, it is actually called that). It lived up to it's name although Hamill thought it was amazing since it was only a Euro a pint, not realising all the bars over there are like that. Grant grew a moustache to go out at night and attraction a lot of unwanted attention from fans of the chuckle brothers, he was constantly being pestered for photos and autographs. It became such a pain in the arse that he went back to the hotel and shaved it off. The Bold Yin bought a megaphone from an old chinese woman and went around Benidorm annoying people until someone took the batteries out and threw them away.
Day 2 - Junkies Always Film Things
Today we met Gary, a mental, middle aged, alcoholic, drug addled Bristolian who spoke the biggest amount of shite you have ever heard (imagine Ian Holloway on crack). He was genuinely shocked to see Jim order two belly buster breakfasts that he started to film it and said he was going to put it on Youtube, he then started showing us a film he made of him walking around his hotel room and pointing to things going "there's the toilet" etc. He was fucking mental! We were all a bit surprised by this but Mick told us that junkies always film things, apparently it's a well known fact. This Gary character told us all about his plan to grow weed out the back of his hotel and take it back home to sell to "chavs" in Bristol. He walked with a limp because he had fallen off a 12 story building but only suffered a sprained ankle. A few of us went for a few daytime pints and after a while Mick ended up wrecked and bought another megaphone, an "I Love Benidorm" T-Shirt and a walking stick. Saw a lot of old men who looked suspiciously like Josef Fritzl. Got told to fuck off from loads of pubs for being annoying and some English woman nicked the batteries from the megaphone and threw it in the pool.
Day 3 - You Fucking Scally Bastard!
Bought a bottle of brandy which was so rotten I wasn't even to drink half of it before we went home. Someone in the scouse bar called Mick a "little scally bastard" which became his catchphrase for the rest of the holiday. Tried to decide what bar to go to that night but David Aitken didn't want to go in any pubs with people in them because he hates everyone and just wants to sit in empty pubs himself. Ended up being dragged into an Australian bar by some PR woman who must have been very shit at her job because there was no one in it and the pub across the road was absolutely heaving. Aitken sang an excellent version of "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden on the karaoke which had everyone in tears and Hamill spoke to every random person he came across and bored the arse of them by having really shit conversations. Mick went to sleep in Hamills bed and wouldn't move so Hamill threw him down onto the marble floor where he slept for the rest of the night. Hamill went to sleep and started snoring in a ridiculous way which sounded like a horse being strangled.
Day 4 - That Bin Is Giving Me The Fucking Boak Man
By this point the "Tartan Army" had arrived since Scotland would be playing Spain in Alicante a few days later. Every single one of them walked around all day every day wearing a kilt, timberland boots and a Scotland top from about 15 years ago and sang the same song all day every day. Complete wankers it has to be said. Watched the England game in a Scottish bar with loads of these dafties and watched one of these guys being knocked back from a strip club for being pure wrecked and he would then go round the corner and come back and try and get in. He honestly did this about 10 times. Ended up in an Irish bar called Scruffy Murphys where we all did the Riverdance and took turns of playing the fiddle. Mick was trying to talk in a Scouse accent but it kept coming out Geordie and by the end of the night was rolling around on the pavement after eating a burger from a bin and shouting at these two women from Newcastle (who were totally horrified) that the bin was "giving him the fucking boak man" in Geordie.
Day 5 - Greasy and Sleazy
The Bold Yin hadn't been in a shower for four days by now and was trying to claim that "you don't need to shower when you're in Benidorm". A right greasy and sleazy scally bastard. Watched the Scotland game in a Rangers bar and they won 1-0 then went into a Spanish cafe and tried the Spanish equivalent of Strongbow, which was actually very nice indeed. Went into the Geordie bar to ask if they knew Gazza, Ant and Dec, Peter Beardsley or Anthony Hutton. They didn't know any of them and told us to fuck off. Saw a sectarian parrot in the Ulster bar and heard it shouting obsecities at passers byt hen went out and got totally sparkled and couldn't remember the next 4 or 5 hours. Sat on the balcony drinking till the sun came up while listening to Goldie Lookin' Chain and smoking all Hamills fags.
Day 6 - The Mystery Of The Missing Shorts
Stayed in bed dying most of the day then got up to try and find KFC to get a munch and couldn't find it so ended up going to "The Codfather" which is a very shady chip shop. David Aitken stole an old mans mobility scooter after knocking him off it with a big tree branch that he found and went down the beach for "a spot of sunbathing". He came back with no shorts on and a black eye but wouldn't tell us what happened. Hamill told that he thought he was dying of HIV (seriously) and Jim spent the next 20 minutes laughing at this. The Bold Yin didn't get out of bed or speak to anyone all day which is very unusual behaviour from him. Went to the Benidorm version of Harwoods and had to listen to loads of old women telling me they like my "Justin Beiber haircut".
Day 7 - A Postman Appears
David Hamill and his mate turned up to meet us about 7 hours later than planned because they got off the bus at the wrong place and had to walk about 17 miles with their suitcases. Hamill sold his brother a couple of fake tickets to get into the Scotland game and Mick got out his bed to go mental one last time. Hamill bought Mick a thong from a machine and he wore it all night while wearing a dick mask which David Hamill bought and posed for pictures with pensioners. Aitken bought a load of "I Love Benidorm" shirts as presents for his family, he said that if he buys shit things then they'll tell him just to stop buying things for them. We finally found KFC and went to see a Westlife tribute act. The next day we got the bus to the airport and saw Anders Brevick in Burger King. Then we went home.
